Ultra Lord Lives!

While I'm waiting for this video to upload on YouTube, I should probably let you guys know what, exactly, is being uploaded.

I don't know if you remember the show Jimmy Neutron on Nickelodeon, but there was a character named Sheen, and he had an action figure named (perfectly) Ultra Lord. Ultra Lord also looked like this:

(Picture from cartoons.wikia.com)

Sheen was by far the most interesting character, namely because never before had ADHD and paranoid schizophrenia been at the forefront of childhood entertainment while being handled with such grace and civility - in short, Sheen was a fucking spastic. And, of course, he was the best character in the entire show (I also heard that they made a show with just Sheen in it, and I watched a few episodes but I feel I'm about ten years older than their target demographic).

How does this relate to the YouTube video? Well, Mr. Eager Beaver, I'm getting to that.

I don't know why I began thinking about Jimmy Neutron today, hell, why does anyone think of anything such as pink elephants or the weird shit you've said while walking down the street that you're sure sounds like prophetic gold? No matter how it happened, I began to think about the show again and since today was a boring day here in the city - mainly because of the rain - I decided to tune up/fix/re-do a project that I've been working on for about a year and a half now entitled: Ultra Lord Lives. It's an electronica rock opera about the adventures of Sheen's action figure and his fight with the renegade Admiral Ongar throughout the galaxy. It's a pretty legitimate project now consisting of twelve songs combining to form around forty-four minutes of music.

Yes, I have no life.

I thought the world might enjoy my musical ramblings, so I'm uploading it to YouTube. If there's enough interest, I'll put up all the different parts of the "opera." I hope there is, because there's enough music in that album to make Verdi himself weep - hopefully out of joy.

I'm also getting some stuff in the mail around May 4th that will enable me to post some video gameplay along with some humorous reviews, which I think would be fun.

Anyway, check it out!

Here's the video:

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Dinosaur Sleeve Tattoos and the Glory of Petunia.

I love tattoos. True story - I may even say "true fax, bro." I also love dinosaurs. But most tattoos with dinosaurs don't seem to be pretty cool except when they are doing something hella baller such as wearing top hats or flying F-14s. So, in order to add to the pool of awesomeness, I've decided to get a sleeve of dinosaur tattoos on my left arm, and was wondering what the Universe (and when I say the Universe, I mean the people reading this blog) thought about it.

Every tattoo is unique, and I wouldn't want to steal another person's idea, but basically, I'd want something along the lines of these (by the way, all of these pics are from a Google search of "Awesome Dinosaur Tattoos, so I don't own any of them... Obviously.) Also, can you believe that Google makes you capitalize the "G" or else it marks it as wrong in spell check? Insanity.

 I have this T-Shirt, by the way.

 Raptor Jesus went extinct for our sins.

 Classy T-Rex is classy.

Nothing more need be said.

All of these (with some variations to make them way cooler) would be an awesome sleeve wrapping around muh arm. It could be cool. It is also about the most expensive thing I could ever imagine doing outside of enriching uranium in a backyard tool shed, but if it goes right... Maybe... I certainly would never get an "office" job again, so that's a great motive to go out and get it.

And just to keep the 90s bug alive in me, maybe on my other arm I can get a good old "The Adventures of Pete and Pete" callback:

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A Grand and Glorious Experiment

If I had to be conservative about the amount of time I spend alone in my room hanging out not really doing anything while pounding on my keyboard during the night, I would say that would take up (again, conservative estimate) around 90% of my time.

Nothing's wrong with that, right?

Well, I've noticed that this crazy world around us seems to be plugged into this "internet" thing pretty hard, so I am wondering what would it be like to be totally connected for one week. I mean totally, super connected - waking up and taking pictures and going on Facebook and writing blog posts and checking into forums type of connected. You know, the type of connected where someone is always face down in their phone like they were a soothsayer trying to decipher some sheep guts for the emperor?

Most of the time, people try the opposite and disconnect, but I've spent so much of my life "raging against the machine" that it may turn out to be an interesting change of pace.

That is unless I develop a brain tumor the size of Michigan with the increase of electronics. So I guess, here I come?

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For the Paranoid Grudge

I don't know if you know, but you may have heard that I'm into the conspiracy thing, and as such, I've made quite a few interesting friends who've linked me to quite a few interesting websites. Earlier, I gave you guys a link to the Reptilian Agenda homepage (Hail the Lizard Overlords post) but what I failed to realize is that the main man behind the whole Reptilian Agenda (which is, in case you don't recall, the plan that there are Reptilian humanoid shapeshifters that feed on human blood who came from Mars from the lower fifth dimension and are currently serving their terms as the most powerful political offices on the planet), is David Icke.

Taking a cursory look at this David Icke - a retired English soccer player/sports announcer- one is struck by how this man took everything he had and totally decided to flush it down the toilet by rambling on a local BBC channel during one of his telecasts about how he was a son of a godhead and such. This idea he fully fleshed out over the years into the Super Mario Goomba-esque reptoids mentioned above, and over the course of sixteen books and countless public appearances, he hasn't changed his story - at least, not to my knowledge; but what do I know? I didn't read all sixteen books.

Nevertheless, the guy is selling out Wembley Stadium so there must be something to it.

He also has an iPhone App titled "David Icke" and he also has a website that serves as a collective tide pool of various bits and pieces that are floating around the conspiratorial sphere of consciousness. The "Archives" section is definitely worth a quick look but whatever you do, don't fall down the rabbit hole just yet. No matter what they say, you're still going to need to go into work tomorrow.

And, with great fanfare, here is the said website as well as the Wikipedia article about him:
http://www.davidicke.com/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Icke

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Tiger's Blood

Can you believe that it's been a year since Charlie Sheen's epic rantings graced our airways, finally lifting us up from the boring stink of the modern, politically correct media that constantly swirls around the world and gave us something interesting to hear?

And yes, the word "interesting" might be a very real understatement.

Whether or not he was trolling, I think now that some time has passed, we can look back on what he said with a little more clarity. (And, full disclosure, I love what Charlie Sheen did. In fact, I'm looking at my calendar I got for 2012 that is full of Charlie Sheen-isms as I type this out at two in the morning.)

Let's look at some of his most famous quotes *ahem*:

"I'm an F-18, bro."
"I got tiger blood."
"I'm on a drug called Charlie Sheen. It's not available because if you try it once, you'll die."
"I'm battle tested bayonets."
"Can't is the cancer of happen."
"I'm a high priestess-Vatican-warlock-assassin."
"Winning/I'm bi-winning; I win here, I win there, I win everywhere."
"Don't troll me, bro."
"I have one gear: Go!"


And these were just the ones I could remember off the top of my head. If you go to a website called http://livethesheendream.com and click on Charlie Sheen's head, you'll find hundreds of new sayings that I didn't even list!

Like I said before, I know it’s a little late to talk about Charlie Sheen, but holy Jesus was that man fantastic. In case you didn’t know, all of his sayings and quotes come from only, like, two interviews, and if you haven’t sat down and watched them, you need to because it’s like watching a man self destruct before your eyes; it’s like watching the Hindenburg fall into flames; it’s like watching a baby eating another baby while singing Metallica

I love Charlie Sheen because he’s done what no man in the history of the Universe has done; he had a great job, a great family, a good wife, and he woke up one day and said, “You know what? Fuck it”, and he basically just imploded and brought all of America with him for only one reason: Because he felt like it. He’s a damned trend-setter! He saw just how much of the world is BS and decided to say something about it. If we had more people like Charlie Sheen, the world would be a far better place... Maybe. God, that sounds awful now that I think about it...

But the most amazing thing to me is, if Charlie Sheen had pulled this shit 2,000 years ago, he’d probably be the prophet a new religion - legions of people would follow and die for him and interpret his words as gospel truth. That’s so beautiful to think about. Instead of these boring passages about how to build a wooden box to hold tablets for ninety pages, we instead would have conversations like, “What do you think the Prophet Sheen meant when he said he had tiger’s blood and Adonis DNA?”

“He was obviously the son of Adonis and was birthed by a virgin tiger mother.” 

“What exactly is a high priestess-Vatican-assassin-warlock?” 

“The Sheen works in mysterious ways.”

Mysterious ways, indeed.

By the way, this is one of my favorite video remixes of Sheen's rants, done by songify:

And here's the interview that started it all on the Alex Jones Show:

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Let Me Tell You A Story Of Cr1tikal Importance

I was once a young man, perhaps like the person currently reading this. I was confused, my mind clouded with a dense fog of ubiquitous obliquity, disturbed by the fact that I had discovered yes, there is no balm in Gilead. Late at night, desperately searching for meaning, I stumbled upon the internet and found myself at a game called QWOP and began to play this rag-doll based flash game for a record two hours before I raged quit and demanded someone give me sense about this game; I went to YouTube and typed into the search field: QWOP.

That's when I made a glorious discovery that is equal with the discoveries of Special Relativity, the Polio Vaccine and birth of fire and the wheel. I found the video "The Most Difficult Game Ever Created Gameplay and Commentary" made my a man named Cr1tikal, who was commentating the very game I just spent most of my life (well, the past two hours of it) trying to complete.

And, as the Lord said, it was good.

I laughed. I cried. I burped. I did everything possible during those six minutes.

At first I thought that this was a fluke. No way was this guy was as funny as he was in this video, so I watched more and more of his vast collection. And, thankfully, my first guess was wrong. By now, I have seen a lot of his work, and I am usually blown away by the hilarious vocabulary, simile and metaphor of Cr1tikal's discourse as well the types of games he plays and the actual sound of his voice - at first I thought that he was my long lost brother. I, too, have loved making commentaries to videos and even my voice sounds very much like his... But alas, I digress.

Seriously, though, Cr1tikal makes some of the best videos on YouTube that I've seen, and according to the video "Charity", he gives the money he makes from these videos to charity, so not only is he funny as hell, he's also a hell of a nice guy. Check him out. Seriously. It's obvious that the guy loves what he does with video games and that laid-back attitude is such a breath of fresh air in the online world.

Looking forward to your next video!

Here's the links:

The Most Difficult Game Ever Created:

Cr1tikal's Channel:
 http://www.youtube.com/user/penguinz0?feature=watch


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The X-Files and the 90s

Ah, the 90s. It was a simpler time, wasn't it?

We had Doritos 3D, Legend of the Hidden Temple on TV, denim jackets and music videos on MTV... The salad days.

But there was also a TV show that helped to define the strange, loner subculture that was beginning to develop and that would later blossom into one of the first ever internet cultures: The X-Files. 

One of the first shows to ever blow up the dot-ALT boards, The X-Files helped shape a generation of TV shows as well as scaring the living shit out of me as a child. My older sister would force me to watch it as a young, impressionable five year old, and - to this day - I still believe that on March 22, 1997, I saw a UFO hovering around my neighbor's house... It could have also probably been a reflection from the TV on the glass windows from a rerun of an X-Files show, now that I think about it...

For those of you unfamiliar with the concept, The X-Files was about a FBI dude named Mulder who got super into unexplained cases that always (surprise!) had a paranormal twist to them, but like a modern day Kolchak, all of Mulder's evidence would be erased/lost/confiscated, and thus the dance to prove the "truth" would be continued another season. Mulder also had a pretty baller office. Mainly, he had this poster on the wall that is also a poster every single high school science teacher has:

His partner was a FBI doctor named Scully who never believes Mulder's theories on paranormal cases even though she habitually sees things like huge elephants named Ganesha rampaging through the streets after being artificially inseminated by aliens... Yeah, I can't blame her for that one, though - even for me that's a tough one to believe. She also should have been working in an intensive care treatment center because, apparently, she can cure cancer with just a fork, a band-aid and Elmer's Glue. 

The main theme of the series is that Mulder's sister was abducted by aliens as a child so he's searching for her and somewhere along the way there's a government conspiracy thrown in; a lot of the episodes deal with stand-alone, "Monster of the Week" type of characters that are usually always caught as Scully is getting her ass kicked once again for the ninth time. 

Also (and this is the real reason I'm writing this post), the theme song is pretty fucking cool... After watching three seasons of it on Netflix, I've realized that what I like best about the show isn't so much the writing or the plots, it's the damn song; it's developed to the level with me that watching the show has become an excuse to listen to it.

This post is also mostly just a recollection for me. As I said before, I found the show on Netflix and couldn't stop watching it as waves and waves of memories floated back to me; it almost felt like I should be getting a Domino's pizza delivered to my house as I watched King of the Hill, followed by the X-Files and then, wait until Sunday night when I could watch Married With Children and The Simpsons before begging and bargaining with my parents to allow me to stay up one more hour, or faking sick so I wouldn't have to go to school.

Ah, the 90s. A time when a pager would tell you that someone somewhere wanted you for something although you couldn't really know what. A time when connecting to the internet was as difficult as transcribing the Egyptian Book of the Dead into Latin. A time when seeing a semi-naked butt on TV was risky television... 

Ah, yes. I would like to believe that my memory is correct in remembering how awesome those days were.

I want to believe.

Didn't believe me about how cool the theme song was? Well, you doubting Thomas, check this out!

Super Awesome Sidewalks

If you ever want to go to San Francisco and spend your valuable time and energy looking down at the sidewalks instead of looking up at the great landmarks and such, you'll find a veritable universe of art underneath your feet - if only you're willing to look for it.

But never fear! Since I live here and must survive the sporadic bitter cold Arctic wind whipping into your face by looking down, I have been - like a modern Madame Curie slowly dying from her discovery - delving into the world of sidewalk art for your benefit.

Check it out!

Like I've said many times before, San Francisco: Hipster City

This is just a cool flower. I have no sarcastic remark...... Yet.

Yes. What happened to Nikko, indeed?

Mirror mirror on the wall...

This is a few blocks down from the corner of Haight and Stanyan. One of my favorites.

According to the Golden Gate Bridge, the fashion of the 1950s are still alive and well.

On 18th Avenue, this is part one of a glorious design. The other side of the block has a carving of Godzilla riding a T-Rex that shoots lasers from its eyes while dragons are flying F-15s and bombing the city below where Moses, shirtless and full of muscles, is parting a sea of bodies as Medusa comes forth from the briney deep and wrestles Jesus while the Devil is leading an orchestra that is playing Charlie Daniels songs - all of this action is framed in such a way that all of it is actually only within a snowglobe of an autistic child holding it in his hands. Unfortunately, I ran out of battery on my phone, so I was only able to get this pic of a flower.

Who IS J.P.? 

Sha-dow Peo-ple

What was that?

A shadow in the distance?  A demon from the fifth dimension?  A crazy old lady who is about to demolish your head with a seven day old fruitcake?

Oh, no, it was just a shadow person. Now I can get back to eating my Doritos and watching... Wait, a shadow person?

If you ever find yourself alone at night and see something flash beside you in the corner of your eye, after reading this website you will be convinced that that quick burst of weird light diffusion was definitely an unknown, slightly ambiguous, most assuredly evil (kind of but not really) shadow person/dog/force/book thing.

In a way, you could say that I'm jealous of all of these people who have had an experience. I've spent the twenty-one years of my life desperately wanting to see a ghost, and I guess I'm just not cool enough to hang out with because apparently, these shadow people are more prevalent than the damn ghosts in Pac-Man.

Either way, if you read these stories about people's experiences with shadow people for teh lulz, or if you really believe in them, these accounts will make you not want to look in the bathroom mirror at night. If you do, I hope that you can run to your room...

Shadow People Archive
http://www.shadowpeople.org/

Hail, Lizard Overlords

               (Picture from nexusilluminati.blogspot.com)

For those of you who are up late tonight (or indeed, every night) and are wondering about the vast inner machinations of the Universe in which we live in, perhaps you are left with thousands of unanswered questions.

"Who are we?"

"Why are we here?"

"What is the meaning of life?"

Well, fret no more! This website has all the answers, including a handy archive menu so you won't have to worry about grouping your questions by yourself! This website even presents a narrative to those questions so you can finally understand your role in this vast, never-ending play. And if you love Reptilian Humanoid Shape-shifters that feed on human blood, then you will be in heaven, my friends.

Ever wonder if the world governments are run by those same shape-shifters?  Ever think, yes, the Queen of England is very lizard-like in manner? Ever wonder why Komodo Dragons are so bad-ass? Cease your wondering!

Don't forget to read about the experiences many people are said to have had while seeing these huge reptilian shape-shifters that are said to control the very media that those who made this website are using; many of these accounts are also written in a language reminiscent of English, much like this very blog post.

Since they (the Reptilians) can't live in the cold very well, I wouldn't fear the Lizard Overlords too much. This website says they come from Mars, and as you well know, "Mars ain't the kind of place to raise your kids. In fact, it's cold as hell."

Happy Hunting,
http://www.reptilianagenda.com/index.shtml

My Shameless Tribute to Bob Newhart.

For those of you who don't know, one of my first jobs was selling electronics at a pretty famous store (I can't say where, but there was a fruit involved), and I was always afraid that some of the stuff I was selling wasn’t really necessary and wasn’t really what the person wanted, even though I promised him that the product could have done anything and everything the person would have ever wanted. No matter what I said, they were usually so nice and trusting, and during one of my random flashbacks, I got to thinking. 

Then I watched some old Newhart skits.

Then I stole his idea of a telephone conversation. I may have not done those things necessarily in that order, however. 

So, this is what I imagine any one of my confused, nice customers would be like talking with customer service for a fantastic product they just bought.


The TM-700X 

Ready for Summer?

Remember when college kids would protest over things and it would be in the news? Whatever happened to that? It seems that the whole "Occupy" movement is dead, and I think now would be a great time to strike back and start a whole new wave of protests.

Hopefully my new flyer will be the rallying cry heard from mountaintop to mountaintop while the sweet, dulcet sounds of Led Zeppelin's mandolin strumming echoes off the snow-capped peaks to the vegan cafes of my neighborhood.

I'll get my Phish t-shirt.

Of Men and Dinosaurs

I understand that the first post of a blog sets up the general tone of the affair, so I better make this good, huh?

.......................

Well, I think we're off to a great start.

If you would like to know a little about me, well, I love theater, video games, comedy and conspiracies; this list is in no particular order. Oh! Writing is up there, too.

But it's hard to reconcile all of these topics together (which is exactly what I expect to do with this blog) so I'm sure that at times, it may seem like posts jump from place to place. I plan to write a little, repost stuff I find on the internet (fully credited, of course) and try to show you what I think is awesome stuff that normally falls through the cracks.

I like to think I'm not crazy. But then again....

Wow, this is a great post.

Even with this post seeping with tepid awesomeness, you know what this needs? DINOSAURS!

For those of you who are like me and wonder, "Hey! It would awfully cool to see a dinosaur around here. I wonder where they are?" then this documentary I found on YouTube is just for you! It's my first featured conspiracy video I found in the dark, dank, sticky halls of the waiting room of the Internet, and if you can stomach (or suffer through) the biblical passages, it's truly an...  Interesting topic. (In a truly lawl moment, keep an eye out for the Noah Flood hypothesis... Noah should have ridden a T-Rex as his steed.)

A Must See - The Secret History of Dinosaurs by BlessedShreder911
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4FOsxvCOc4&feature=related